The Ballad of Cattle and Clay - Published In Grim and Gilded, Issue 11, 2023
He Sells Sea Shells Script - North Carolina Film Awards: President’s Award, 2016 Taos Shortz Film Festival, 2016 Jefferson State Flixx Festival
Fishbowl Script - 2017 International Filmmaker Festival of World Cinema: London 2017, Central Michigan International Film Festival, 2017 Columbia Gorge International Film Festival
Sun Basin Soap Club Product Copy:
The Trailblazer is
A steaming hot mug at daybreak. The scratch of pencil on paper. Plans upon plans upon plans, outlined in neat checklists. Eyes turned forward, no detail unobserved. An unseen curve in a winding trail and the thrill to discover what is beyond.
The Daydreamer is
Lazy puffball clouds drifting above a picnic blanket. The clink of settling ice in a glass of lemonade. Half remembered melodies from a neighbor's yard. Cool grass prickling the backs of thighs, and a cinnamon sun warming an upturned face.
The Forager is
Hands pressed to the ground, fingers flexing into cool topsoil. The building wind in a pine forest. A squirrel chirping at a disturbance. The brittle blue dome of the sky casting long shadows on the ground. A sprout peeking through leaves and winter debris, pale green life beginning again.
The Enigma is
The liminal air of a spring evening, potential held in every breath. Rain smearing panes of glass, the wind coaxing each drop into a vertical river basin. Birdsong when the clouds have cleared. Steam from the pavement. A smooth rock, polished by 100 years of tides.
The Navigator is
Waves cradling a weathered boat. A globe of stars, pointillism as a glittering map. Steady eyes, searching. Open fields with horizons obscured by humid haze. A clasping hand, firmly pulling forward. Inexorable motion, determined cessation.
Thee Wolf John Shirt:
This is the wrong time of year to be out in the woods. A wind, heavy with the scent of decaying leaves, rattles through the branches around you, and the thick blanket of night presses at the sides of your vision until the only thing you can see is the moon hanging in solitary splendor—a single, cold spot of light. It catches your eye, like a big pizza pie, and in the distance you hear a high and lonely howl. Dread creeps down your spine, and you know—you are not alone in this forest.
Circles Pizza John Shirt:
It’s circles all the way down folks. Little did John know when he started his meditative circle journey it would circle back around into Pizzamas merch, but here we are. Keeping in theme, this shirt's proceeds go to the PIH COVID fund.
Ice Dye Pizza John Shirt:
Classic Pizza John is getting a trendy twist on this incredibly soft, ice-dyed t-shirt.
Pizza Party Hat John:
Look deep into this Pizza John’s eyes. Do you see it? The excitement and joy of thousands of school children who just discovered a pizza party is in their future gaze back out at you. This shirt is a powerful object, and as such, must be treated with the utmost respect.
Melancholy John Shirt:
“...But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes...”
Ode On Melancholy - John Keats
Anyways, that’s how we feel when we drop a slice of pizza on the floor.
Nature John Shirt:
In celebration of John getting out into nature, we’ve made a shirt where nature becomes John. Oh how the tables have turned.
Pencil 'Stache Shirt:
We’ve come to know and love the classic Pizza John mustache, but have you considered a dashing pencil ‘stache? How stylish.
Pizza John Crew Socks:
Kick your feet up in front of a roaring fire in the full and comforting knowledge that these Pizza John pizza socks will keep your feet warm and toasty during the cold winter months.
Pizza John Face Mask:
Do you know what is cooler than Pizzamas? Wearing a mask in public and protecting others from your nose and mouth droplets! And do you know what is even cooler than wearing a mask for the public good? Wearing a Pizzamas mask. You’re like a real life pizza superhero, go forth masked avenger!
Pizza John Fanny Pack:
The 80’s are back baby, and this fanny pack is riding the wave. Strap it round your waist and rock the ironic mom look—right until you start forcibly putting sunscreen on your friends face and realize that you have in fact, become the mom.
Pizza John Hotel Keychain:
Look, we know it can’t be all Pizza John all the time, but with this little keychain you can add subtle hints of nerdfighteria to your outfit. Classy and subtle.
Pizza John Magnet Poetry:
Step aside John, the nerdfighters are picking up the literary reins. It is fridge poetry time! Tweet a picture of your best poems @DFTBArecords, we guarantee you will make our day.
Pizza John Maroon Hoodie:
Wear your heart on your sleeve with this comfy hoodie. And by heart we do mean pizza.
Pizza John Wrapping Paper:
Have you ever wanted to deeply, deeply confuse your Grandma? Well then this is the wrapping paper for you!
Pizza John's Pizza Parlor Tote:
DFTBA Brewing Co. is no longer Nerdfighteria's primary attraction in Winner, S.D. Introducing Pizza John's Pizza Parlor, the pride of the 605. That’s right, visit PJPP for a piping hot slice. We’ve got cheese, we’ve got pepperoni, we’ve got bell peppers that are going moldy because no one orders them. It’s a pizza palooza, and you’re invited! Centrally located along Highways 18, 183 and 44. Arrive hungry, leave full and... a little confused.
Pizza John Blanket:
What is more luxuriant than a woven blanket? A deep maroon Pizzamas blanket, obviously. Wrap yourself up in this super soft blanket and curl up with a good book.
Nature John Blanket:
We liked Ash's Pizza John design from last year so much we resurrected it as a woven Pizzamas blanket! Wrap yourself in nature... John.
Monica has truly captured the intense energy of John's love for pizza in this design! Design by Monica Robles
Here’s your Shirt:
Who put John in a pizza box! Let him out! Design by Darren Shaddick
La Pizza Mort:
Abandoned by time, a skull lies on the forest floor. Mushrooms, a controversial topping in life, overtake it. Glasses with empty lenses hang askew, and in defiance to the years which have made flesh irrelevant, a mustache clings bravely to the upper lip. The forest does not consider the identity of the skull as it sends creeping grass and bugs to engulf it, but long ago someone carved a sign into the forehead.
For remembrance? A warning?
Whatever the intent, one word is caught on the wind. It plays through the trees and rustles the grasses. An empty forest rings with one final word: Pizza
Live Laugh Pizza:
Finally, a Pizza John you can bring home to your mother. Designed by Mona Danesh
Old Man Yells at Pizza:
These dang kids and their dang pizzas! In my day we walked both ways uphill, backwards, and hopping on one leg to get our pizza. By the time we got home it was ice cold and solid as a particularly hard rock, and you know what? We were grateful for it! But sure, have your luxuriantly soft pizza shirt. Bah!
Petal Pizza John:
Pizza John is returning to his natural environment! Truly, nature is healing. Design by Erick Ramos
Pizza John patch:
In this, the twenty-first year of the twenty-first century, we mark the tenth anniversary of Pizza John — long may he gaze from the screens of our devices and grace the surfaces of our apparel.
We sing praises of his mustache — though of brief existence it contained the spark of the muse, which the great Valerie Barr reached forth and grasped, thus bringing into existence the face of faces, the wide eye’d stare, the haunting visage of John of Pizza.
Behold, and heed the words: Don’t Forget to be Awesome.
Pizza John Baseball:
Nothing but love for our favorite team, the Fighting Pizza Johns! Wear this shirt to talk about sports with your fellow sports lovers at some sort of sport event.
You've seen Pizza John, but have you smelled him? Fill your home with the beguiling aroma of John this holiday season with this hand poured candle.
Who needs Lady Luck when you have Pizza John instead? Spice up your latest TTRPG with this full set of polyhedral dice.
Pizza John Ice Tray:
A nice frosty drink isn't complete without John's face suspended in ice, staring out at you from a watery prison. Bon Appétit!
Keep your ears warm and toasty with this woven Pizza John tuque.
Confound your relatives for hours at a time by bringing this puzzle to the next family gathering! It's 1,000 pieces, so you'll have a while to explain why they're assembling noted author John Green's face. Designed By Zoe Polando Ryder
Scratch and sniff:
The staff is divided on whether or not these smell like Pizza, but they are at least pizza adjacent. Grab a set for yourself and let us know what you think!
Original Pizza John Shirt:
The one, the only, the bizarre original. Look, we don't know why our best selling shirt is a picture of John Green's face with a mustache and the word "PIZZA" under it, but we certainly don't mind. There is obviously something magical about it.
Ok, so you know how we say you can only get the Pizzamas designs for one year and then they’re gone? That's only kind of true, because we’ve got sticker packs! Show your appreciation for the vintage Pizza John’s while adding the new faces to your collection.
Hoodie: Pizza John is branching out into streetwear fashion with this incredible hand-dyed hoodie! (We think this is what streetwear means, but at this point we're too afraid to ask.)
Finally the pin subscription you've all been waiting for, six months of nerdfighteria in-jokes as pizza toppings! What's that? You haven't been asking for the Green brothers as green peppers? Well that's awkward.
Pizza John Zine:
In honor of ten years of Pizzamas we opened the floor up to the incredible community of nerdfighters and asked them to send us their very own Pizza Johns! There's only one catch, they couldn't look at a John Green, a Pizza John, or any pizzamas related material before hand. Want to see how well they remembered his face?
We all know sneezing isn't normal. Especially when pizza comes out. Designed by Alys Jones
Cheese Rainbow John Shirt
We know it's cheesy, but who could possibly resist this delectable pizza rainbow?
If it Drives, I lives Shirt
To quote the New York Times best selling author, recipient of the Michael L. Printz Award, winner of the 2009 Edgar Award, and two time finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize, John Green, “You know what, it's like I always say, if it rides I lyv- live. Lyve? I’m working on a pun.”
Sometimes there are onions on pizzas. Which means that pizzas are a lot like ogres. Which makes this shirt completely normal if you think about it.
Pizza Box face John
Always check the box when you’re done eating pizza. If you’ve been very good for the last 365 days, the face of Pizza John might just appear in the grease and speak unto you good tidings, followed by at least one cryptic statement in a language lost to the memory of mankind. After dutifully recording the sage words, please do check your local municipality rules on recycling pizza boxes, it can vary from facility to facility.
The Pizza Johns Starting Lineup Shirt
As we all know, batting power is stored in the mustache. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.
Wolf Pizza John Shirt
“Hello yes, is this Pizza John’s Pizza Parlor? Yes? Well, I don’t mean to alarm you, but it seems like there might be a wolf in your dining room… No, I’m fairly certain that it isn’t a large dog. How? Well, the glowing red eyes are a bit of a clue. I - No, I can’t just ignore it, it's got a slice of my pizza in its mouth, which, incidentally, has a melting face on it… This is normal here? Can I speak to your manager?”
La Pizza Mort Screenprint
This pizza themed reminder that we are all but brief sparks in the natural cycle of life was SO popular that we resurrected it as a print! We all need a memento mori to keep us humble, and it might as well be a skull with a pizza on it.
Neoclassical John Desktop Bust
Throw your inspirational desktop bust of Alexander Pope out the door, there’s a new neoclassical author in town! This limited edition, six inch resin figurine of John is perfect to watch over your artistic endeavors. Note the wide eyed stare and the signature stress hair poof, this is a statue that really understands the creative process.
New Car Pizzamas Air Freshener
Does your car stink? Never fear, because now you can mask it with the Pizzamas approved scent of rosemary! We tried to make it pizza scented, but were told that packing thousands of intensely pizza scented items in one warehouse might count as an olfactory crime.
Pizza John Cardigan
Now this is a cardigan worthy of wearing during crisp autumn days on campus. Use it to enhance your academia aesthetic. Wear it to show pizzamas pride at a homecoming game. Confuse that attractive someone across homeroom with colors that aren’t even remotely related to your school. The opportunities are endless.
Pizza John Floor Rug
Slowly, DFTBA inches closer to our end goal of being able to furnish the break room with exclusively Pizza John decor. It introduces the new hires to what we’re about real quick.
This rug is hand tufted with plush maroon and heathered gray fibers so it’s easy on the feet and on the eyes.
Pizza John Hand Towel Set
Legend has it that the manufacturers held these unmarked towels up to a photograph of Pizza John and his stare was so powerful that he imprinted himself into the tufts. Grab yours today!
Pizza John Magnet
We’re really leaning into the vintage angle this year, and what is more vintage than a raised rubber magnet? Put it next to all of those road trip ones you got in the ‘90s.
Pizza John Soccer Jersey
Move over AFC Wimbledon there’s a new team on the pitch. The Pizza Johns might be a fictional team, but we went all out and made some professional jerseys. Take your pick of home or away, and cheer the Pizza Johns on all the way through the season.
Pizza John Washi Tape
Ok, be honest with us, what is washi tape actually for? We haven’t been able to come to a consensus, but whatever you decide to stick this gorgeous tomato tape to will look absolutely fabulous.
Tomato Pizza Cat Nalgene
You’ve heard of Pizza John, but this year we’re proud to introduce Pizza CAT! Look at its little tomato face, those cheeks are positively squishable.
Pizza Parlor Pin Sub
Last year you got toppings for your pizza, but now you need a place to eat them in! Sign up for the Pizza John Pizza Parlor subscription, and get six pieces of pin decor to make your very own pizza parlor. (Please don’t actually eat last year’s pins.)
Shirt Lovers Bundle
Did you know, if you purchase this bundle, wear every shirt at the same time, stand on one foot, and then repeat Pizza John three times into a dark bathroom mirror, John Green will appear and give you the rundown on how all the profits from Pizzamas go to help Partners in Health reduce the maternal and infant mortality rate in Sierra Leone?
What good taste you have! This is the bundle for the discerning collectors, the adventurous eaters, the explorers of the gastronomique. The true Pizzamas consissours among us if you will.
It is the year of Pizzamas decor! Wear your impeccably illustrated Pizzamas shirts while lounging on your Pizza John rug, staring at a regal Pizza John bust, sipping from a Pizzamas water bottle, that incidentally, you washed with a Pizza John hand towel. Decadence itself.
SOCIAL MEDIA COPY & CAMPAIGNS
DFTBA's Twitter and Instagram, I write most of the social copy for these accounts.
Marmalade Marmot the Marmot's Twitter Tirade for DFTBA:
Awesome Milk Club Announcement April Fool's Post Copy:
With the success of the awesome coffee club, we are so excited to announce DFTBA’s newest subscription: The Awesome Milk Club!
For months, Hank and John chased their true passion, crossing America on foot to interview the nation’s dairy cows, asking them a rigorous series of questions such as:
- What do you think of Pelicans?
- How is your pop culture trivia knowledge?
And most importantly
- How have the recent global supply chain issues affected your day to day life as a cow?
From these answers, we selected a group of the most intellectually rigorous cows from which to harvest the delicious milk for our newest club.
And this milk, folks. It is silky, it is smooth, it is succulent. The mouth feel is immaculate and is described by some as a disconcertingly little man giving a hot stone massage to each and every one of your taste buds.
But don’t just take it from us, we accosted strangers on the street and begged them to take a little sip of our milk:
Sadie McDonald, 53, “Why do you ask me to do this every day?”
Herbert Daniels, 122, “When I dream, I remember the days of my childhood. There was a farm there. A beautiful farm, filled with my family. We kept cows and bees and there was an orchard out back behind the house. I would lie under the trees in the deep velvet shade and watch the leaves above me shifting. And sometimes at lunch, there would be milk.”
James Vera, 25, “This milk is dank bro.”
With reviews like these, what are you waiting for? Sign up for Awesome Milk Club today and enjoy a transcendent glass of milk with every single one of your meals. It’s for charity.